so whats changed in the last month... not much. mom and katie have gone and come back from nebraska for josh's baptism, katie is worse than ever you know she pretty much ignores me and is grumpy and whatever. I feel so stinking alone in the world. Her elbow got me in the jaw the other day while we were cleaning headstones at the cemetery. it was painful for a moment. she and i are both horribly burned, stupid me. we'll go again next week.

it's missionary transfers this week so Elder Sparks may be leaving us after a lengthy... 4 1/2 months. A woman at church speculated "something going on between (Me) and the missionaries" to which I laughed at the absurdity. I love hanging out with Sparks cause he's got an intense sense of humor, which well, is made only better by the fuel of my stupidity. I think of him as the brother I wish we had. not that my brothers aren't special to me or anything. madness

it is necessary that I point out a few things. debbie is pregnant and is smoking and who knows what else, I'm pretty sure she is intent on killing her unborn child. john hates me, he hates me because he sees me, little old me, he sees that I have very few friends that come over and very few reasons to leave the house, he sees that I have no adictions and no hinderances (except maybe my weight) he sees that I am happy, he sees I have faith that I have hope and that I love everyone I meet, or at least try to. he sees that I find joy in reading from holy scripture, he sees I find joy in going to church every sunday, in paying my tithing, in working for very little money. and he hates me. I love him, I think that makes him hate me all the more. i've been uninvited to the wedding. that's okay though, I don't think it's a good idea anyway. it's not a healthy relationship, should I support it?

Matt 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.

I'm finding life hard, my calling well.... I'm not fulfilling it, I'm gonna focus all of my spare energy on it. I'm gonna do better. i've still got to get in to talk to the dentist about my mission and the state of my teeth for said mission. so yeah, that's kind of annoying, not having done it. the sencerest desire of my heart is to leave this house (tonight)and this country and not come back for at least 1 1/2 years.

Erik came over for a second to pick up his wallet which he left here in my room, he comes in, 'how was youre day?' I look and respond, 'it was hell, how was yours' his response, 'it was good, well I'll see you, my dad's waiting in the driveway' nice friends.

Krissy talked me out of making a mistake. I'm so stinking stupid. good night.